Romeo and Juliet: New and Modernized
by God Herself
Summary: This was a project for PA English 1 and I thought I might as well post it. It is modernized and rewritten in a way that everyone can understand it.


[Disclaimer: Story belongs to William Shakespear and is not mine, obviously. The only thing that I own is the modernized version, all credit going to Shakespear for the story of course.]  
  
[Page 1]  
Romeo and Juliet :  
A New Modernized Version  
  
Act 5  
Scene 3. Late that night. The churchyard that contains the Capulet's tomb.  
  
[Paris enters with his page who carries a flashlight and flowers.]  
  
Paris: Dude, give me the stuff and go keep watch. Holler if anyone is coming.  
  
Page: [Aside.] I'm kind of scared, but I will do it anyway.  
  
[The Page retires to a watching place while Paris sprinkles the tomb with flowers.]  
  
Paris: Oh, my darling Juliet, I will mourn over your passing. I will continue your proper funeral rites and weep for your lost life.  
  
[The page whistles, his signal that someone is coming.}  
  
Someone is coming. Who dares come near to interrupt me!? Hide me night!  
  
[Paris hides as Romeo and Balthasar enter.]  
  
Romeo: Give me the tools! Take this letter and deliver it to my parents in the morning. Now give me the light. No matter what you see or hear, do not come near me, or you will regret it dearly. I go to her tomb partly to see dear Juliet's face, but also to take from her a ring--a ring needed for an important task. Now, be gone! If you come back and spy, and see what I am doing, I will kill you in a most wretched way! What I am to do is savage and wild!  
  
Balthasar: I will go and not interrupt you.  
  
Romeo: You have shown me friendship. Take this.  
  
[Romeo hands Balthasar money.]  
  
Live well, friend. Goodbye.  
  
Balthasar: [Aside.] I will hide and watch. His looks worry me and I doubt his intents.  
  
[Balthasar hides.]  
  
Romeo: You have taken the most precious thing on earth, so I will give you more in spite.  
  
[As Romeo forces open the tomb, Paris watches from his hiding place.]  
  
Paris: It is Romeo! He was banished. He killed Juliet's cousin, and caused her grief, of which she supposedly died. He came most likely to do something evil to the dead, so he must be apprehended by me!  
  
[Paris comes forward and speaks to Romeo.]  
  
Stop what you are doing, Romeo! Why are you trying to get even more revenge?! Scum, I am taking you now. Obey and come with me. You must die.  
  
Romeo: I do need to die, which is why I came here. I am desperate, and you must not tempt me! Go away and leave me alone. Think about these dead and let them affright you. I beg you, do not make me sin again by causing me to kill you! Leave me! I love you better than I love myself, for I came here armed against myself, not you. Leave me! Live and tell them a psycho's mercy made you run away!  
  
Paris: I will not listen to your appeals, but I will arrest you now for your crimes.  
  
Romeo: Why do you provoke me? Let us fight then!  
  
[Page 3]  
[They draw knives and fight.]  
  
Paris's Page: Not again, man! Time to go get the popos!  
  
[The Page runs off to get the police. Paris is wounded and falls.]  
  
Paris: Crap! I am slain! If you have any mercy, put me in the tomb with Juliet!  
  
[Paris dies.]  
  
Romeo: I will. No, let me see who you are. You are County Paris! What did my servant say when I was upset and not paying attention as we rode? I believe he did tell me Paris was to marry my Juliet. Did he say this, or did I dream it? Or am I just crazy, after hearing him talk about Juliet and thinking it so? Give me your hand, one that is deep in misfortune as I am. You will bury you in an honorable grave. A grave? No! A room of sunlight, for here is Juliet, and her beauty makes this grave a wonderful celebration hall, filled with light.   
  
[Romeo carries Paris into the tomb and lies him there. Then he walks to Juliet's body.]  
  
How often have men at the point of death been so joyful! Which their keepers call a laugh before death! How do I call this a laugh? Oh my Juliet! My love! My wife! Death, which has taken your breath, had no power over your beauty! You have not been conquered. Beauty's flag is the crimson in your lips and in your cheeks, and death's flag has not advanced there. Tybalt lies there in his bloody sheet? What more favor can I do for you other than with the hand that ended your life to cut off the youth of the man that was your enemy? Forgive me G'dog! Oh, my Juliet! Why are you still so beautiful? Am I to believe that death is in love and that the it keeps you in the dark to be its mistress? For fear that I will stay with you and never leave this bed of dim night. Here I will remain with you forever. Here I will die and rest and shake up the being of ill fate from this tired flesh. Eyes, see for the last time! Arms, embrace for the last time! And lips, you, die with a righteous kiss. An eternal bargain to absorbing death! Oh, poison! You guide me now! Here's to my love!  
  
[He takes out the poison and drinks it.]  
  
The drugs are speedy. With one kiss I will die!  
  
[Romeo kisses Juliet and falls. Outside the tomb, Friar Lawrence enters the churchyard carrying a flashlight, crowbar, and spade.]  
  
Friar: I will go quickly! I have stumbled often tonight on old graves! Who's there?  
  
[Balthasar steps out from his hiding place.]  
  
Balthasar: I am a friend!  
  
Friar: Happiness to you! So, G', who's flashlight is over there, leading light to the worms and eyeless skulls? I believe it burns in the Capulets monument.   
  
Balthasar: Yeah, it is my master, whom you love.  
  
Friar: Who is it?  
  
Balthasar: Romeo.  
  
Friar: How long has he been there?  
  
Balthasar: About a half an hour.  
  
Friar: Come into the tomb with me.  
  
Balthasar: Dude, I can't. Romeo warned me with death and this wicked horrible description of how he would kill me if I stayed here.  
  
Friar: Fine, stay and I will go alone. I am fearful something terrible has happened.  
  
Balthasar: When I was sleeping under that tree over there, I had a dream that Romeo and some other dude were fighting and Romeo killed him.  
  
Friar: Romeo! Oh, whose blood is it that stains the stone entrance? What is the meaning of these knives lying here?  
[Page 3]  
  
[He enters the tomb]  
  
Romeo! Dead! And who else? Paris, too! And covered in blood! What cruel fate is guilty of this horrible event! The lady stirs.  
  
[Juliet wakes.]  
  
Juliet: Oh, friar! Where is Romeo? I do remember where I should be, and here I am. Where is my Romeo?  
  
Friar: I hear noise. Juliet, come away from that bed of death, disease and unnatural sleep. A greater source of power than we can fight has ruined our plans. Come, come away. Your husband lies there dead; and Paris too! Come, I'll put you among a sisterhood of holy nuns. Do not stay to ask questions; the popos are coming. Go, Juliet. We dare stay no longer.  
  
Juliet: Go away, for I'm not leaving!  
  
[Hearing the police approaching, Friar Lawrence hurries away.]  
  
What's this? A cup held in my love's hand? It seems poison has been his end. You miser! You drank it all and left no drop to help me? I will kiss your lips. Hopefully some poison still taints them, to make me die and restore myself to you.  
  
[She kisses Romeo's lips.]  
  
Your lips are warm!  
  
Chief Policeman: [Calls from off stage.] Lead us, boy! Which way did they go?  
  
Juliet: Noise? I must be brief! Oh, happy dagger!  
  
[She snatches Romeo's knife.]  
  
This will be your sheath were you can rust and let me die!  
  
[She stabs herself, falls, and dies. Paris' Page enters the churchyard with a troop of policemen.]  
  
Page: This is the place. Over there, where the flashlight gleams.  
  
Chief Policeman: Ewww! Nasty! The ground's all bloody! Search around the churchyard. Arrest everyone you find!  
  
[Some of the policemen exit to search the churchyard. The remainder of the policemen, with the Page, enter the tomb.]  
  
A pitiful sight! There is the County, dead; and Juliet, bleeding, warm and newly dead. I thought she died two days ago. Someone go get the Prince! Run to the Capulets! Raise up the Montagues! The rest of you search.  
  
[Other policemen exit.]  
  
We can see the cause of these woes, but the true ground of all these piteous woes, we can't grasp without some more information. Someone get me a doughnut!   
  
[Some policemen return with Balthasar.]  
  
Second Policeman: Here is Romeo's servant. We found him in the churchyard.  
  
Chief Policeman: Yay! Can we arrest him? Hold him until the Prince comes.  
  
[Another policeman returns with Friar Lawrence.]  
  
Third Policeman: Here's the Friar. He won't stop crying. We took this pickaxe and spade from him and he was coming from this area of the churchyard.  
  
Chief Policeman: Another possible suspect! Keep the Friar too! Where's my doughnut?  
  
[Prince Escalus enters with his attendants.]  
  
[Page 4]  
  
Prince: What has happened that you had to wake me up so early?  
  
[Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet enter with others.]  
  
Capulet: What is causing all this hubbub?  
  
Lady Capulet: The people in the street are terribly noisy! Some cry "Romeo," some "Juliet," and some "Paris"; and all run toward our monument!  
  
Prince: What fear is this that causes such a commotion?  
  
Chief Policeman: That's it! Someone better get me my doughnut NOW! Oh, um. Sovereign,   
  
[He calls them to the entrance of the tomb.]  
  
here lies the County Paris, dead; and Romeo dead; and Juliet, dead before, but warm and dead again.  
  
Prince: Search, seek, and found out how this all happened.  
  
Chief Policeman: Well, we have a Friar.. and, um, Romeo's servant. They were found with tools to open these dead men's tombs.  
  
Capulet: O heavens! Wife, look! See how our daughter bleeds? The knife missed its mark for, the empty sheath is on Montague's back, but it missheathed itself in my daughter's chest!  
  
Lady Capulet: Oh my! This sight of death is a warning bell, summoning me to a grave.  
  
[Lord Montague enters with others. The Prince calls them to the entrance of the tomb.]  
  
Prince: Come, Montague, for you are up early enough to see your son and heir newly dead.  
  
Montague: Alas, my lord, my wife has died tonight! Grief over my son's exile stopped her breath. What other woe conspires against my age?  
  
Prince: Look and you will see.  
  
Montague: Oh, you heathen! What manners are in this? To show a father to his grave.  
  
Prince: Calm down for a minute until we can clear up these mysteries and know their source, their head, their true decent; and then I will be one of your chief mourners, and lead you even to death. Meanwhile, restrain yourself, and let your response to misfortune be governed by restraint. Bring forth those under suspicion.  
  
Friar: I am the most suspect, able to do least, yet most suspected, as the time and place do make against me. Here I stand, both to impeach and purge. Myself condemned and myself excused.  
  
Prince: Then say what you know about all this.  
  
Friar: I will brief for the short time I have left to live is not so long as a tedious tale. Romeo, who is now dead, was husband to that Juliet; and she, now dead, was Romeo's faithful wife. I married them, and their secret marriage day was Tybalt's doomsday, whose untimely death banishes the newly made groom from this city. It was for him, and not Tybalt, Juliet pined. You, to attempt to remove the grief from her heart, engaged and would have married her forcibly to Count Paris. She then came to me, and with a crazed look, made me devise some mean to rid her of this second marriage or in my cell there she would kill herself. I then gave her (being tutored by my art) a sleeping potion, which took affect as I intended, for it gave her the form of death. Meantime, I wrote to Romeo that he should come here this night to help take her from her borrowed grave, being the time the potion should wear off. But he that brought my letter, Friar John, was prevented from going, and yester night returned my letter back to me. Then all alone, at the prefixed hour of waking, came I to take her from her kindred's vault; meaning to keep her secretly at my cell until I could send word to Romeo. But when I came, some minute before the moment of her awakening, here dead lay the noble Paris and the true Romeo. She woke, and I begged her to come forth and become a nun, but then a noise did scare me from the tomb. She, too desperate, would not go with me, but, as it seems, killed herself. All this I know, and to the marriage, her nurse is in on the secret. And if any of this is ruined by me, let my old life be sacrificed this hour unto the rigor of severest law.  
  
Prince: We have always known you for a holy man. Where's Romeo's servant? What can he say about this?  
  
  
  
[Page 5]  
  
Balthasar: I was the one who brought my master news of Juliet's death, G'. He then came from Mantua to this monument-type-thing. He, like, gave me this letter that I was to give to his Pops, and threatened me with death while going in the tomb if I didn't leave.   
  
Prince: Give me the letter and I will examine it.  
  
[Balthasar hands the letter to the Prince.]  
  
Where is the County's Page who raised to police? Boy, what made your master come here?  
  
Page: He came here with flowers he was chunkin' all over his woman's grave. He told me to stand in watch, so I did. Soon, come another dude with a light to open the tomb. By an' by Paris drew on 'im and then I ran away to get the popos.  
  
Prince: [He is reading Romeo's letter.] This letter proves the Friar's word to be true. Their love, the news of her death, and here he writes that he did buy a poison from a poor apothecary and with this came to this vault to die and lie with Juliet. Where are these enemies? Capulet, Montague, see what a scourge is laid on your hate, that heaven finds means to kill your joys with love. And I, for overlooking your disagreements too, have lost a pair of relatives. All are punished.  
  
Capulet: Oh, Montague, G'dog, give me your hand. This is my daughters marriage settlement, for I can't demand any more.  
  
Montague: But I can give you more, I will raise her a statue in pure gold.  
  
Capulet: As rich shall Romeo's by his lady lie--Poor sacrifices of our hate!  
  
Prince: A gloomy peace this morning with it brings. The sun will not show its head in such sorrow. Go forward, to have more talks of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, and some shall be punished;  
For never was there a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo. 


End file.
